Had I known Netflix was planning to add ‘Felicity’ to its streaming offering, I would have remained a Blockbuster loyalist forever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘Felicity.’ But similar to Siri, I am well aware that this could be black hole for me.

That’s why, after squealing through the first 40 minutes of season one, I decided to bring in some backup. Lots of backup. An entire internet of backup.

Here’s the deal. On February 19 at 9 p.m. ET, I will host the first edition of a new weekly Netflix viewing party and live chat dedicated to the greatest love triangle of our time.

Place: The internet (follow @felicityparty and check the blog for a post-episode recap that will include the best live tweets)

Attire: Your pajamas

Still not sure? Throw in this incentive: both Noel (Scott Foley) and Ben (Scott Speedman) are active Twitter users. That’s right, whether you’re #TeamNoel or #TeamBen, you have an opportunity to make your teenage dreams come true (as long are you’re willing to reconcile the dream of a real relationship with the reality of a sympathetic tweet) (I am).

Tell your friends. It’s gonna be a #FelicityParty.

It’s that time, the time that comes but once every four years. It’s time for my Facebook acquaintances to get political.

Here’s a basic overview:

During the last round, I quietly defriended the loud few.

This round, though, I’m taking a slightly more enjoyable route, and one that I’ve considered using on other occasions. This time, it just feels right.

Introducing, The lol Bomb.

First, you make some insane political commentary. Next, I try to remember the circumstance that led to our being connected on the internet. Oh, right, you went on three dates with my college roommate. Then, and this part is crucial, I leave an “lol” on the comment stream. And finally, I defriend.

That’s it, folks. That’s my plan for social network survival this year.

Cucumbers, I’ll never look at you the same way again.

To think, you’ve been up to this all along.

Running around, getting pickled.

Oh, everyone else knew?

Sure they did. I believe you.

And yet, no one thought to tell me. So tell me, where did they hear about this?

Fruit Digest?

When did they hear about this? First grade? No? Third? Fine.

You know, chickpeas were a surprise, but not a shock. I always kinda knew they had a side gig.

But cucumbers, you’re good.

All this time with me eating the pickles, yet skipping the cucumbers. I was a victim of your charade.

First you’re next to squash, then you’re in a jar?!

A jar?!

Well, what next?

Are any of your friends in on this? Are olives actually apples that have been floating around in some silly concoction?

Or is it all part of an even more elaborate trick?

I know there are pickle trees, and trust me, I’ve got time to find them.

Prepare yourself. I have created (another) new blog.

This makes number 18 on the Tumblr side.

I will not be held accountable for the actions I take when given no restrictions.

Tumblr keeps saying, “Want to start a new blog?”

And I do. So I keep starting them. And maybe the majority live a quiet, unfulfilled existence, devoid of their promised fame.

“YOU are different. YOU are not like my other blogs. I will not forget about YOU. YOU, are my ticket.”

This one is different.

Check it out and watch for more daily insights on my new-found interest in fashion: http://IDressedMyselfToday.Tumblr.com

I’ve made it to open mic #19. Things are getting less weird, so that’s something, right?

Here are some of the things I’m working on:

‘Of Mice And Men’ And Me

‘Of Mice And Men’ serves as a nice parallel for the four chaotic years I spent on the dating scene. You see, there’s Jenny, who’s awesome at dating because she really doesn’t care about the outcome, and then there’s Lenny, who likes to kill any opportunity for a relationship.

Here’s an example:

Jenny would drink five IPAs before speed dating.

Lenny likes to send “Happy Monday! ” text messages.

Darwin Awards Resume

This may sound conceited, but I’ve started working on my resume for the Darwin Awards.

Here are a couple of my qualifications:

1989 – 1990: As a four-year-old, I occasionally enjoyed eating sand. By myself. It tasted like salt. Try it. The real takeaway here though, is that nothing is weird when you’re by yourself.

1990 – 2006: During this 16-year gap of time, I thought that the vending machine said “END,” not “vEND.” It’s tricky. Why just one lowercase letter? Anyway, I thought I was getting the last one. Every single time. I was really lucky is what I’m trying to say.

Dog Shit Analytics

As many of you know, I have a blog, DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com, that captures the fun of NYC dogs shitting on sidewalks. It’s funny when you’re from a place where dogs don’t do that. Anyway, you could say the blog never really picked up. I get less than 20 visits per day. But low traffic has never stopped me from obsessing over site analytics. One particular item stood out the last time I checked these stats, though. I noticed I was getting organic traffic for the Google search for “dog shit.” This made me very excited, because as a former SEO nerd, I know that very few people make it past the first page of Google search results.

“Holy shit! I’m ranking for ‘dog shit’! That’s great!” I thought.

And then I did a search for the phrase.

Not on page one.

Not on page two.

Not on page 20.

Halfway through page two the results get into some pretty disgusting things. So that’s that company I’ve attracted to my site.

My First Children’s Book

I started writing a children’s book called, “Bipolar Penguin” over the weekend.

I was at my local bar, getting ready to go out, when I wrote the first line:

Bipolar penguin is sad, but bipolar penguin should be sad because he walks stupid.

Writing this line was especially fun because I wrote it right as the bar started blasting “Have A Little Faith In Me.”

That’s all I’ve got for now. Open mic #20, coming up.

It’s normal to already have a costume in mind for 2012, right?

Well, regardless, here are a couple pics of this year’s fun: the sexy pig.

It was meant to poke fun at the female tradition of using Halloween as an excuse to wear lingerie in public. The humor seemed to only hit with people who already share this view, as evidenced by the dialogue below.

“What are you? - girl

“I’m a sexy pig.” - me

“Ohhhhh! Everyone just thinks you’re in a robe with underwear over it [giggle, giggle].” – girl

Halloween is just a set up for creatives to do a booze-fuled victory lap.

Come up with a crazy, hilarious idea and then wear it all night? Yes, please. Oh, and I get to drink beer too? Even better.

That said, one day a year and a handful of theme parties just isn’t enough for me.

I want more. And I want to give back to the universe a little bit.*

And so I announce my newest side project: HalloweenCostumeConsulting.com.

It will be up soon. Maybe tonight.

After all, this is my “busy” season.

For now, though, here’s an overview of my resume:

2010: Kool-Aid Man

2009: Cookie Monster

2008: Penguin/Sexy Strawberry Shortcake

*Is it still considered “giving back to the universe” if you collect a fee?

Side projects are what I name ideas that should have been briefly discussed and quickly forgotten but instead, they become domain purchases and weekend obsessions.

Here’s an update on the side projects I’ve got running been paying GoDaddy to host:

MakeThePigDance.com
Did you know adult pig costumes are available on Amazon for $100? (I know!) So, I have one now. And I’m working on this site. The dream: Dance in my pig suit in Times Square. Drive people to tweet song recommendations to @makethepigdance and then allow them to see their requests via live video. Halloween is being considered a soft-launch for this project.

Hahahahahh.com
The dream: none. I just thought it would be fun to put this on my personal business card and then get to explain, “So, it’s three hah’s… yeah, just H-A-H… but the last one has two h’s…”

BoyToyBrad.com (v. 1.1)
I had a bit of fun with Brad’s blog when I set it up in 2010, but then I moved to NYC a month later and well, I had to worry about things like rent and hot water and seeing how often I could have the pleasure of speaking with my landlord. Brad will be coming back soon. I’ve written nine or ten recurring themes, so as soon as I map out a few of the connections between his childhood and adulthood, he’ll be blogging again.

WillAnyoneHireARobot.com
I’ve decided that Brad will be seeking employment soon at establishments like McDonald’s and Burger King. That said, he doesn’t speak, so how can he get through stage two of the interview process? Text-to-speech. I’ll be recording these anyway so I might as well repurpose them to see which fast food chain will invite a robot to stage three.

DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com
This site is not especially current right now, but the dream still stands: motivate New Yorkers to take pics of dogs shitting on sidewalks and submit them to my Tumblr with location details, then create a dynamic map of the areas in NYC that have the most sidewalk shitters.

I’m sure there are more. I do own over 25 domains now. But these are the “really exciting” ones for now.

It’s been a while, no?

Apologies for my blogging absence, but when your last three posts are months apart and each one ends with an empty promise for a return to regular blogging, it’s probably good to take a step away and reevaluate things. So, that’s where I’ve been.

I’ve also been at open mics.

I did my first mic back in April.

It sounded a lot like, “I’m really nervous, so I’m going to sit in the corner…” followed by ten one-liners.

Insert: Six months of mic inactivity filled with fear, an SNL sketch writing class, a new gig, generally happiness with life and an unexpected move prompted by a caving ceiling and undisclosed building foreclosure.

I did four mics this weekend, so that brings me to a total of ten now. They weren’t all pretty. One was great. I’m still very much in the phase where you learn that fear makes you visibly nervous and your audience uncomfortable.Together, these inspire little laughter.

So what’s your goal? Are you trying to be a famous comedian or something?

No, not really. But if I got paid to travel around the country and make nervous college freshmen laugh, I’d be okay with that. The primary goal is to get past my fear of public speaking and to do so in a more tolerable setting than Toast Master’s club meetings.

I work in an industry where the best ideas win. But those ideas, like jokes, can be crippled by fear. So that’s why I’m doing stand-up. Personal and professional development, with a few laughs along the way.

As for blogging, I am back. I’m back for several reasons. First, I love getting excited about ridiculous ideas and then trying to make them sound sane in a couple hundred words. Second, these ridiculous ideas are often the same ideas I’m working into jokes at mics and writing them out tends to help in the delivery. Third, blogging helps me to continue learning about this fun little world that give me paychecks, social media.  Last, I’ve met such great people through this blog and I’m a little greedy. I want to meet more.

This is a sketch I wrote for my SNL sketch writing class. The premise: YouTube animal stars catch the collective attention of the internet for just a few short days or weeks. That must be a lot to deal with. In this sketch, issues stemming from their sudden and brief fame are discussed on a talk show.

(OPEN ON: Host in front of audience)

HOST

Welcome back! Today we’re talking with the owners of some of the Internet’s most popular animals. And we’re finding out that millions of YouTube views can cause more than laughs and emails… it can also cause your animal to develop a personality disorder. You’ll recognize our next guest by her boots alone…

(CUT TO: Image of green rain boots on large screen)

HOST

Yes, it’s true.  Cinders, the pig who is afraid of mud, is back stage.  Let’s bring her out. Please welcome Cinders and her owner, Maggie!

(CUT TO: Maggie walks out. Cinders is carried in by two handlers. She’s wearing a “Mud Sucks!”

t-shirt and bedazzled rain boots. )

HOST

Welcome, welcome. Have a seat.

MAGGIE

Thanks, Jim. It’s great to be here.

HOST

Great to have you. Now, Maggie. Tell me about Cinders. I hear she’s had a little trouble adjusting to all of her YouTube attention?

MAGGIE

It’s true. It all started when we realized she’s afraid of mud. We made her rain boots to help her get around and after watching her, we thought, “Hell, this is cute!” So we got out the Flip-Cam and uploaded a video to YouTube.

HOST
And then?

MAGGIE

And then the video just blew up! Reporters started showing up at the farm every day to get a look at Cinders. And soon after, we noticed a big change in her attitude.

HOST

Well, she’s a pig, how different could she be?

MAGGIE

Won’t wear the same pair of boots twice.

HOST

Well, that’s a little ridiculous, don’t you think?

MAGGIE

Of course. But we can’t have an immobile pig!

HOST

So you have a new pair of rain boots waiting for her every morning?

MAGGIE

Sometimes she forgets. But almost every morning, yes. We’ve also been bedazzling her boots. She’ll wear the fancy ones more than once.

HOST

And the shirt?

MAGGIE

A fan sent one in and we thought it was cute. Now it’s the same as the boots. Won’t wear the same one twice.

HOST

Any particular type of t-shirt?

MAGGIE

Has to be anti-mud.

HOST

Doctor Smite, have some advice for Maggie?

DOCTOR SMITE
Well Maggie, you have to start with the mud phobia. A pig just can’t be afraid of mud. And to be honest with you, I think Cinders is really taking advantage of the situation. Cinders, what do you have to say?

(Cinders stares in silence)

DOCTOR SMITE
Nothing. See? You can’t encourage that attitude.

HOST

How can Maggie help Cinders get over the phobia?

DOCTOR SMITE

Well, I’d ease her into it with some fudgesicles.

That will get her used to the color. They’re delicious. Next time she’s sees mud she might run and take a bite.

HOST

And if that doesn’t work?

DOCTOR SMITE

Mud squirt guns. Call her name and bam! Mud blast. Tip toe time is over.

HOST

Maggie, can you commit to this?

MAGGIE

I don’t have much choice. I can’t keep buying these damn boots and rhinestones.

HOST

Good! Well, we thank you for coming on today and we hope Cinders makes a quick recovery! But if not, put up some more videos, eh?

(CUT TO: Close-up on host)

Well, we’re going to take a quick break, but stay tuned! We’ll be back in just a few minutes with Denver the guilty dog.