Dear John Gemberling,

Please make my Thursday April 5, 2012 dream come true and remake this in your giant baby character.

Yours truly,

An internet humor addict.

Editor’s note: Here’s what’s happening. I spent two years building this blog. It helped get me a sweet NYC job. Now, I’m figuring out which direction I should take with it – post-by-post. Thanks for sticking around.

I saw several stupid outfits on the L train this morning.

For those familiar with the Brooklyn area serviced by the L train, this is not news.

Today, these stupid outfits included a train conductor jacket.

Sometimes 6-foot unicycles are involved.

I appreciate variety and silliness, but I’m saddened by the wasteland of mediocrity represented in so many L train fashion choices.

Want to wear a train conductor’s jacket? Let’s hear your best “All aboard!”

Want to ride a 6-foot unicycle? Throw on some face paint.

I’ve been there before.

I once was obsessed with micro pigs. Rather than fill my closet with an assortment of pig adorned thrift store sweaters, I bought a pig suit and some lingerie and lived my dream.

So let’s see it, Williamsburg. Live your dream. Or more simply, commit to the bit.

I haven’t posted recently. I’m on a four-hour train from Boston to NYC.

I’m halfway home.

First, let’s catch up.

Never trust an adult man wearing track pants.

Witnessed: a woman ordering half a bottle of wine and a Snickers bar.

Three times. That’s how many plays of Pulp’s “Common People” are ironically funny while sitting in coach.

9:16 p.m. – I’m out of wine. Brb.

9:44 p.m. – Not much has happened since I returned with wine. I did witness a business class man receive a threat from the conductor at the bar, though.

9:45 p.m. – Ooo! Spotify turned back on. Now playing: Weezer “Island In The Sun” Heh hehhh!

9:46 p.m. – This song is great. I’m throwing Yeezy looks/shoulders.

9:47 p.m. – Yeezy would not approve of this.

9:48 p.m. – Sorry, I was just trying to make up for lost time with those last couple posts. Oh Jesus, this song is on replay. Brb.

9:49 p.m. – How does that even happen? Spotify, you’re smarter than this.

9:50 p.m. – So, what has happened now, is that I’ve only been posting one thought per update. So, now it’s actually 9:49. I’m writing from the future. I’ll Brb when you catch up.

9:58 p.m. – See, this is why I was planning ahead before. The goddamn guy with a dog just walked by again. Why is this happening?

10:06 p.m. – Blerg.

10: 09 p.m. – The National starts playing on Spotify radio, specifically “Slow Show.”

10:10 p.m. – Replay for the remainder of the trip?

10:11 p.m. – YOU KNOW I’VE DREAMED ABOUT YOU. FOR 29 YEARS. BEFORE I SAW YOU.

10:12 p.m. – 1st replay.

10:13 p.m. – Just saw a puppy pic on FB. Suddenly I’m torn.

10:14 p.m. – PUT ON A SLOWED DOWN SHOW FOR YOU. CRACK YOU UP.

10:15 p.m. – Maybe I could own a puppy.

10:16 p.m. – My wine lipstick is pretty.

10:17 p.m. – What kind of puppy, though?

10:18 p.m. – There’s no way this guy dreamed about her for 29 years before he saw her.

10:15 p.m – Sorry, I was writing ahead again. We’re now at a stop. Also, the woman behind me has an insane case of hiccups. Jersey in the house. Let’s go back to the guy talking about meeting someone 29 years before he saw her. That was more pleasant.

10:20 p.m. – He’s still talking about missing her for 29 years. Replay.

10:25 p.m. – I have been sucked into The National’s discography. Good night, all.

10:28 p.m. – I’m back. What if I could BE a puppy instead of owning one?

Had I known Netflix was planning to add ‘Felicity’ to its streaming offering, I would have remained a Blockbuster loyalist forever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘Felicity.’ But similar to Siri, I am well aware that this could be black hole for me.

That’s why, after squealing through the first 40 minutes of season one, I decided to bring in some backup. Lots of backup. An entire internet of backup.

Here’s the deal. On February 19 at 9 p.m. ET, I will host the first edition of a new weekly Netflix viewing party and live chat dedicated to the greatest love triangle of our time.

Place: The internet (follow @felicityparty and check the blog for a post-episode recap that will include the best live tweets)

Attire: Your pajamas

Still not sure? Throw in this incentive: both Noel (Scott Foley) and Ben (Scott Speedman) are active Twitter users. That’s right, whether you’re #TeamNoel or #TeamBen, you have an opportunity to make your teenage dreams come true (as long are you’re willing to reconcile the dream of a real relationship with the reality of a sympathetic tweet) (I am).

Tell your friends. It’s gonna be a #FelicityParty.

It’s that time, the time that comes but once every four years. It’s time for my Facebook acquaintances to get political.

Here’s a basic overview:

During the last round, I quietly defriended the loud few.

This round, though, I’m taking a slightly more enjoyable route, and one that I’ve considered using on other occasions. This time, it just feels right.

Introducing, The lol Bomb.

First, you make some insane political commentary. Next, I try to remember the circumstance that led to our being connected on the internet. Oh, right, you went on three dates with my college roommate. Then, and this part is crucial, I leave an “lol” on the comment stream. And finally, I defriend.

That’s it, folks. That’s my plan for social network survival this year.

Cucumbers, I’ll never look at you the same way again.

To think, you’ve been up to this all along.

Running around, getting pickled.

Oh, everyone else knew?

Sure they did. I believe you.

And yet, no one thought to tell me. So tell me, where did they hear about this?

Fruit Digest?

When did they hear about this? First grade? No? Third? Fine.

You know, chickpeas were a surprise, but not a shock. I always kinda knew they had a side gig.

But cucumbers, you’re good.

All this time with me eating the pickles, yet skipping the cucumbers. I was a victim of your charade.

First you’re next to squash, then you’re in a jar?!

A jar?!

Well, what next?

Are any of your friends in on this? Are olives actually apples that have been floating around in some silly concoction?

Or is it all part of an even more elaborate trick?

I know there are pickle trees, and trust me, I’ve got time to find them.

Prepare yourself. I have created (another) new blog.

This makes number 18 on the Tumblr side.

I will not be held accountable for the actions I take when given no restrictions.

Tumblr keeps saying, “Want to start a new blog?”

And I do. So I keep starting them. And maybe the majority live a quiet, unfulfilled existence, devoid of their promised fame.

“YOU are different. YOU are not like my other blogs. I will not forget about YOU. YOU, are my ticket.”

This one is different.

Check it out and watch for more daily insights on my new-found interest in fashion: http://IDressedMyselfToday.Tumblr.com

I’ve made it to open mic #19. Things are getting less weird, so that’s something, right?

Here are some of the things I’m working on:

‘Of Mice And Men’ And Me

‘Of Mice And Men’ serves as a nice parallel for the four chaotic years I spent on the dating scene. You see, there’s Jenny, who’s awesome at dating because she really doesn’t care about the outcome, and then there’s Lenny, who likes to kill any opportunity for a relationship.

Here’s an example:

Jenny would drink five IPAs before speed dating.

Lenny likes to send “Happy Monday! ” text messages.

Darwin Awards Resume

This may sound conceited, but I’ve started working on my resume for the Darwin Awards.

Here are a couple of my qualifications:

1989 – 1990: As a four-year-old, I occasionally enjoyed eating sand. By myself. It tasted like salt. Try it. The real takeaway here though, is that nothing is weird when you’re by yourself.

1990 – 2006: During this 16-year gap of time, I thought that the vending machine said “END,” not “vEND.” It’s tricky. Why just one lowercase letter? Anyway, I thought I was getting the last one. Every single time. I was really lucky is what I’m trying to say.

Dog Shit Analytics

As many of you know, I have a blog, DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com, that captures the fun of NYC dogs shitting on sidewalks. It’s funny when you’re from a place where dogs don’t do that. Anyway, you could say the blog never really picked up. I get less than 20 visits per day. But low traffic has never stopped me from obsessing over site analytics. One particular item stood out the last time I checked these stats, though. I noticed I was getting organic traffic for the Google search for “dog shit.” This made me very excited, because as a former SEO nerd, I know that very few people make it past the first page of Google search results.

“Holy shit! I’m ranking for ‘dog shit’! That’s great!” I thought.

And then I did a search for the phrase.

Not on page one.

Not on page two.

Not on page 20.

Halfway through page two the results get into some pretty disgusting things. So that’s that company I’ve attracted to my site.

My First Children’s Book

I started writing a children’s book called, “Bipolar Penguin” over the weekend.

I was at my local bar, getting ready to go out, when I wrote the first line:

Bipolar penguin is sad, but bipolar penguin should be sad because he walks stupid.

Writing this line was especially fun because I wrote it right as the bar started blasting “Have A Little Faith In Me.”

That’s all I’ve got for now. Open mic #20, coming up.

It’s normal to already have a costume in mind for 2012, right?

Well, regardless, here are a couple pics of this year’s fun: the sexy pig.

It was meant to poke fun at the female tradition of using Halloween as an excuse to wear lingerie in public. The humor seemed to only hit with people who already share this view, as evidenced by the dialogue below.

“What are you? - girl

“I’m a sexy pig.” - me

“Ohhhhh! Everyone just thinks you’re in a robe with underwear over it [giggle, giggle].” – girl

Halloween is just a set up for creatives to do a booze-fuled victory lap.

Come up with a crazy, hilarious idea and then wear it all night? Yes, please. Oh, and I get to drink beer too? Even better.

That said, one day a year and a handful of theme parties just isn’t enough for me.

I want more. And I want to give back to the universe a little bit.*

And so I announce my newest side project: HalloweenCostumeConsulting.com.

It will be up soon. Maybe tonight.

After all, this is my “busy” season.

For now, though, here’s an overview of my resume:

2010: Kool-Aid Man

2009: Cookie Monster

2008: Penguin/Sexy Strawberry Shortcake

*Is it still considered “giving back to the universe” if you collect a fee?