Prepare yourself. I have created (another) new blog.

This makes number 18 on the Tumblr side.

I will not be held accountable for the actions I take when given no restrictions.

Tumblr keeps saying, “Want to start a new blog?”

And I do. So I keep starting them. And maybe the majority live a quiet, unfulfilled existence, devoid of their promised fame.

“YOU are different. YOU are not like my other blogs. I will not forget about YOU. YOU, are my ticket.”

This one is different.

Check it out and watch for more daily insights on my new-found interest in fashion: http://IDressedMyselfToday.Tumblr.com

I’ve made it to open mic #19. Things are getting less weird, so that’s something, right?

Here are some of the things I’m working on:

‘Of Mice And Men’ And Me

‘Of Mice And Men’ serves as a nice parallel for the four chaotic years I spent on the dating scene. You see, there’s Jenny, who’s awesome at dating because she really doesn’t care about the outcome, and then there’s Lenny, who likes to kill any opportunity for a relationship.

Here’s an example:

Jenny would drink five IPAs before speed dating.

Lenny likes to send “Happy Monday! ” text messages.

Darwin Awards Resume

This may sound conceited, but I’ve started working on my resume for the Darwin Awards.

Here are a couple of my qualifications:

1989 – 1990: As a four-year-old, I occasionally enjoyed eating sand. By myself. It tasted like salt. Try it. The real takeaway here though, is that nothing is weird when you’re by yourself.

1990 – 2006: During this 16-year gap of time, I thought that the vending machine said “END,” not “vEND.” It’s tricky. Why just one lowercase letter? Anyway, I thought I was getting the last one. Every single time. I was really lucky is what I’m trying to say.

Dog Shit Analytics

As many of you know, I have a blog, DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com, that captures the fun of NYC dogs shitting on sidewalks. It’s funny when you’re from a place where dogs don’t do that. Anyway, you could say the blog never really picked up. I get less than 20 visits per day. But low traffic has never stopped me from obsessing over site analytics. One particular item stood out the last time I checked these stats, though. I noticed I was getting organic traffic for the Google search for “dog shit.” This made me very excited, because as a former SEO nerd, I know that very few people make it past the first page of Google search results.

“Holy shit! I’m ranking for ‘dog shit’! That’s great!” I thought.

And then I did a search for the phrase.

Not on page one.

Not on page two.

Not on page 20.

Halfway through page two the results get into some pretty disgusting things. So that’s that company I’ve attracted to my site.

My First Children’s Book

I started writing a children’s book called, “Bipolar Penguin” over the weekend.

I was at my local bar, getting ready to go out, when I wrote the first line:

Bipolar penguin is sad, but bipolar penguin should be sad because he walks stupid.

Writing this line was especially fun because I wrote it right as the bar started blasting “Have A Little Faith In Me.”

That’s all I’ve got for now. Open mic #20, coming up.

It’s normal to already have a costume in mind for 2012, right?

Well, regardless, here are a couple pics of this year’s fun: the sexy pig.

It was meant to poke fun at the female tradition of using Halloween as an excuse to wear lingerie in public. The humor seemed to only hit with people who already share this view, as evidenced by the dialogue below.

“What are you? - girl

“I’m a sexy pig.” - me

“Ohhhhh! Everyone just thinks you’re in a robe with underwear over it [giggle, giggle].” – girl

Halloween is just a set up for creatives to do a booze-fuled victory lap.

Come up with a crazy, hilarious idea and then wear it all night? Yes, please. Oh, and I get to drink beer too? Even better.

That said, one day a year and a handful of theme parties just isn’t enough for me.

I want more. And I want to give back to the universe a little bit.*

And so I announce my newest side project: HalloweenCostumeConsulting.com.

It will be up soon. Maybe tonight.

After all, this is my “busy” season.

For now, though, here’s an overview of my resume:

2010: Kool-Aid Man

2009: Cookie Monster

2008: Penguin/Sexy Strawberry Shortcake

*Is it still considered “giving back to the universe” if you collect a fee?

Side projects are what I name ideas that should have been briefly discussed and quickly forgotten but instead, they become domain purchases and weekend obsessions.

Here’s an update on the side projects I’ve got running been paying GoDaddy to host:

MakeThePigDance.com
Did you know adult pig costumes are available on Amazon for $100? (I know!) So, I have one now. And I’m working on this site. The dream: Dance in my pig suit in Times Square. Drive people to tweet song recommendations to @makethepigdance and then allow them to see their requests via live video. Halloween is being considered a soft-launch for this project.

Hahahahahh.com
The dream: none. I just thought it would be fun to put this on my personal business card and then get to explain, “So, it’s three hah’s… yeah, just H-A-H… but the last one has two h’s…”

BoyToyBrad.com (v. 1.1)
I had a bit of fun with Brad’s blog when I set it up in 2010, but then I moved to NYC a month later and well, I had to worry about things like rent and hot water and seeing how often I could have the pleasure of speaking with my landlord. Brad will be coming back soon. I’ve written nine or ten recurring themes, so as soon as I map out a few of the connections between his childhood and adulthood, he’ll be blogging again.

WillAnyoneHireARobot.com
I’ve decided that Brad will be seeking employment soon at establishments like McDonald’s and Burger King. That said, he doesn’t speak, so how can he get through stage two of the interview process? Text-to-speech. I’ll be recording these anyway so I might as well repurpose them to see which fast food chain will invite a robot to stage three.

DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com
This site is not especially current right now, but the dream still stands: motivate New Yorkers to take pics of dogs shitting on sidewalks and submit them to my Tumblr with location details, then create a dynamic map of the areas in NYC that have the most sidewalk shitters.

I’m sure there are more. I do own over 25 domains now. But these are the “really exciting” ones for now.

It was a normal Tuesday evening.

I went for a run. Heated 200 calories of condensed, sodium-infested frozen food. Did a load of laundry.

You know, the things that make suburbians totally jealous of my crazy lifestyle.

And then it happened. I saw a large black shape in my peripheral.

First thought, “IS THAT A GORILLA?”

Apple, it pains me to admit, but your horrible auto-correct has never lead me as astray as my brain did just 18 hours ago.

Please email chip to me.

Recap: 1. Walking on Brooklyn sidewalk. 2. Notice dark shape in peripheral. 3. FIRST THOUGHT: Gorilla. 4. HELP ME.

Yesterday was my last day at MTV News. Today is my vacation. Tomorrow I start at Arnold Worldwide, the first NYC company I ever interviewed with.

Below is my “goodbye” email, which attempts to encompass both gratitude and excitement. Below that, is just a reminder that MTV’s Twitter Jockey, Ms. Gabi Gregg, voted me BEST DANCER for my original dance, “Walking through the China shop.” And below that is an extra thanks for you guys.

First, thank you all for an amazing year and in particular, thank you Mr. Goldner for giving me the golden ticket.

Not only is this one of the coolest places to work, but now a lot of people on Facebook think I’ve actually become cool and the trustees at my college give me shout outs at alumni events because they think I have tons of cash – so please don’t tell them that MTV is run by nerds and Snooki has all the money.

I’m going to miss tons of things about this gig:

1. Getting nice DMs from Snoop Dogg
2. Getting mean DMs from Justin Bieber
3. Awkwardly gazing into Caleb Followill’s eyes and then being introduced as “Megan” #THANKSJAMES #hesmarriednow
4. Launching Facebook campaigns to encourage the Lodge to serve waffle fries less often
5. Tourists taking horse pictures
6. Canada jokes in the morning meeting
7. YOU PEOPLE
8. YOU PEOPLE
9. YOU PEOPLE

Despite being stoked for the new opp at Arnold Worldwide,* your awesomeness is the reason I spent a couple nights walking around listening to “Ode To Family” before I put in my notice. That song doesn’t even make sense, but it sounds really sad so I just imagined that they were talking about quitting a job where you work with really awesome people to go tackle a new internet challenge.

So thank you again for all of your support, enthusiasm and tweets. You made it a really great and fun year.

And please, keep me on the distro list for birthday parties and any other events where a) you people get together and b) there’s also beer there.

My apologies in advance for not having more ways for you to keep up with me on the internet:

Twitter! @jen_mccoy

Tumblr! Jenmccoy.tumblr.com

Blog! Jenmccoy.com

Other blog! Dogsshittingonsidewalks.com

Other other blog! FuckYeahZachG.Tumblr.com

Other other other blog! BoyToyBrad.com (he’s going to wake up soon)

Jenny

P.S. If it helps fill the void, you can still email me RT requests, and I’ll do them from @jen_mccoy.

P.P.S. I will not miss getting DMs from Pauly D because I have that boy on my personal Twitter too, #hollar!

*If anyone can help me learn how to pronounce “worldwide” before Wednesday, that’d be amazing. Right now it sounds more like “whirlwhy?”

 

Thank you to everyone who’s helped me get here. Mom, Dad, Kev, bosses, coworkers, internet people who still read this blog for some reason, Biz Stone, Mark Zuckerberg. You get it. And promises that I’ll have at least one post per week from now on. It may be written through the voice of a teddy bear, but that’s what you signed up for, right?

If you write a blog that’s occasionally funny, people will tell you to try stand-up. It’s really just a correlation/causation mishap, but when enough people tell you this, you might go to a two-minute open mic. You’re even more likely to do this after a company-sponsored open bar. I just killed the drunk bowling scene. Stand-up, you’re next.

And what you might find is that the comic scene is mostly male. And so you might also find that despite taking the mic and saying “I’m nervous so I’m going to sit in the corner” and then reciting ten one-liners that were previously tweets, these men will still come up to you and say, “You did great! I love your style.”

And you will be confused, because you do not have a style. But you like that these men are telling you these nice things so you start to think, “That was not absolutely horrible. Maybe I will try it again.”

And so you resolve, “Yes, yes, I will try it again. They liked me.”

And then days go by and maybe you go to a few more open mics and you put your name on the list and as your name rises to the top you decide more along the lines of, “Actually, I think I’ll just watch. Hey, can you just cross my name off? I’m actually cool just sitting this one out.”

And then maybe you become a little more determined. You start studying and studying because really, if the things that make people giggle in the elevator will make several people giggle at the bar, then maybe this whole “career” thing wouldn’t be necessary. Maybe you just act like your hyper, nervous, borderline autistic self and people will really like it.

I guess what I’m saying is, I know this girl who might be doing this. And no, I can’t tell you where or what nights. It’s kind of a secret and when I get nervous I START TO WHISPER!

P.S. In other news, I’m going to give someone $50 for taking pictures of dog poop. I ran a little contest so that some Brooklyn blogs would send me some traffic and sure I only got two entries, but I don’t see that as a testament that people really don’t care about dogs shitting on sidewalks. I take it as a testament that what I’m doing actually involves a great amount of skill. I’m talented, not irrelevant!

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be the one to save the world.

On a good day, I’m wearing two socks. On a great day, they match.

You know who should be the heavy lifters? The girls with catalogue outfits. The ones with scarves that perfectly accent some stripe on their boots.

Accents don’t make me spend hours at H&M. Escalators do. For me, a stylish outfit is the accidental result of delayed laundry and hasty smell tests.

Sure, I do some things.

I pick up stray trash once or twice a year.

I make my bed occasionally.

I recycle beer bottles. And volume considered, I can sleep with that.

*P.S. I started a Tumblr for work research + ideas that are more baked than tweets but less baked than posts. Like for example, this post. (http://jenmccoy.tumblr.com).

The bathroom is a place of unnecessary variety and frugality is the only logical way out.

But in place of variety, I’d like some innovation. In particular, I’d like a hot water countdown clock.

Why? Because zoning out is kind of my thing and for some reason it’s way more enjoyable when I’m naked and there’s an ugly bird looking at me and also there’s a lot of hot water.

And I have a lot to think about.

For example, I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t seem to make myself like eggs. I’ve been trying for about two years now and despite copious amounts of salt and massive hangovers, my stomach just hasn’t caught on. This is a huge issue.

You see, if you don’t like eggs you get so fucked over at brunch because unless you want a disgusting amount of pancakes, eggs account for at least one third of every bargain meal. The most they’ll let you sub for eggs is a piece of toast and more, eggs are the only way you can get to bacon or sausage without visiting the sides menu.

It doesn’t end there. If you don’t like eggs and you get them anyway you face issues on the check out side as well.

“Was there something wrong with your eggs?”

“No, I just don’t like eggs.”

See, that’s strange.

And oh, oh man. This water is freezing!