This afternoon, while contemplating ways to make Snookie my new BFF, I heard a familiar sound.

Ding-dong.

Knock. Knock.

“Who could possibly be at my door?” I wondered.

I sat, paralyzed in fear, still thinking mostly of Snookie and our impending friendship. But also, still fearful because my usual serial killer screening process was interrupted by two obstacles:

• No peephole

• Poor positioning (see following diagram for details)

Despite these environmental challenges, I decided to fight.

I slowly rotated my head 90 degrees and used peripheral clues to identify the doorstep intruder:

a Girl Scout.

My breathing slowed to a stop. And then resumed. And then stopped. And then resumed.

And as I breathed, I wiggled down the back of my couch, positioning my head just below the gaze of this demon child with overpriced cookies.

I remained scrunched below the window for the next three minutes, deathly afraid of the damage my bank account would suffer should I return to my normal seated position prematurely.

Yes, I had survived. But surely, this was just the first attack of many to come.

Just a month prior, I narrowly escaped this child’s second attempt to sell $18 rolls of wrapping paper by strategically taking a diagonal path to my front door. And oh, am I prepared to walk diagonally again? Yes, I am.

Now you may ask, “Why couldn’t you just get up, walk to the front door and tell her you’re not interested in buying her cookies?”

Well, unlike you, I am not in the business of crushing dreams. Rather, I am merely in the business of donating on my own terms and receiving tax-deductible receipts in exchange. Not oxymoron cookies. Thin mints? Oh, sure.

Update: Ah hell, now I feel bad. I think I’ll donate $5 online and then go buy eight boxes of regular-priced cookies at Publix. Win, win. Wait, that’s a tie, right?

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