I felt especially white today so I figured it was time to quote a prominent black rapper who is dating a prominent black singer.

Now, on to that gushy gushy*.

Let’s state the facts:

I commute to work.
I live in South Florida.
I sit in traffic.
I am impatient.
I am not crazy.

So, I try to quell** my impatience in trivial situations like the traffic light scenario illustrated below:

First, let me briefly describe what you just saw. You saw three white cars.

“Wow, THREE white cars? What are the odds of that?” – You ask

Good question. I’ve got an answer for you. Those cars are white because Microsoft Paint gave me an ‘F’ on “creating enclosed vehicles that can be painted with one click of the paint bucket icon.” They would have had white tires too if my circles were not so much better than my square-triangle hybrids.

Now, since you’re so curious. I’m going to share a little extra information about that car in front of me who missed the “Hello, if you move your car eight more feet I can continue singing dinosaur sounds with Lady G. and decrease my anxiety about the six-second turn signal we’re about to receive” memo.

That car is a Buick Le Sabre. How do I know that? Because of a recent revelation:

Also, since you are unable to see the hair color of the driver, I’m going to let you in on that secret as well.

There are many more secrets I can share with you. Like the likelihood said driver’s outfit is 87% polyester and does not shrink. But if you give away the cookies for free who’s going to want the milk. Wait, everyone would, right? One second..

*Whoa. Decided to Google “gushy gushy” to see if there’s a meaning. Umm. There is.

**I Googled “quell” too.

I frequently showed up to my first post-college office job armed with a Hardy’s breakfast sandwhich and a raging hangover. Most of my co-workers knew Wednesday nights were dollar beer night and that I likely had a $7 tab.

I no longer go out on weekdays, because I’m a professional and I spend my evenings writing blog posts and coming up with t-shirt ideas that I will likely write off as tax losses. But if I did attempt to late night with the college folk, I doubt I’d be quite as endearing at 8 a.m. as I was at age 22.

AGE vs. MATURITY. Dear God, Please Let the Hottest Man Win

P.S. If you have a bad neck, I’m sorry.

P.P.S.  This was not my only Microsoft Paint Studio masterpiece tonight. I also drew this for an upcoming post:

Unless you just got off the treadmill or you’re sporting a cold, save a little air for the rest of us.

I realize that this correlation would make more sense with a line going “negatively,” but I’ve thought it through on 3-4 occasions and I can’t figure that out. Math ain’t my thang.