How To Not Have Hot Water (And Other Things Jay-Z Never Told You)

An essay written in the form of a blog post, by Jenny McCoy

Editor’s Note: I know, some of you were wondering ‘How do I live under a roof that frequently leaks?’ Well, that will soon be answered in a follow-up blog post titled, ‘Jay-Z Must Live In A Different Neighborhood Than Me.’ Also, some of you may be like, ‘So you work at MTV and I want to know what that’s like!?!’ Again, it’s on my radar. I’m working on yet another blog post titled, ‘Working At MTV Is Like Working At Disney World, Except Mickey Is Short, Orange & Has Quite The Temper!’ And with that, let’s learn about the magical world I’ve lived in for three weeks. A world where water is but one temperature: ice f*cking cold.

First, the backstory.

Just three weeks ago, I was one of you.

I turned on my shower and I waited for a sizzling invitation.

‘Ooo! Too hot!’ I’d sometimes exclaim.

It was awful. Sometimes, I even had to turn the cold water knob. What a waste of energy! This was also quite a waste of brain power. I mean, at 6:47 a.m. I’m working with two brain cells which happen to be minutes into a dance off (to the death). So unless equilibrium can move to ‘You Dropped A Bomb On Me,’ my brain cells want no part.

Every morning, I would think, ‘Gah! Time to take a shower. Guess I’ll have to figure this sh*t out again!’ And then one day, a little less than three weeks ago, the heat came no more.

‘Finally! Only ice-f*cking-cold water!’ I rejoiced.

And, really, I’ve been rejoicing ever since. Oh yah, sure, coworkers, friends, family, bum on 5^th Avenue. I may act like I want hot water back. But I do not. Ever.

Really, the only downside to having ice-f*cking-cold water is that so few people share my joy. I almost had a moment with the bum on 5^th Avenue, but when we really got down to it, his problem was quite different than mine.

So, in hopes of persuading you to join my club, I’ve written a ‘How To Not Have Hot Water’ guide.

HOW TO NOT HAVE HOT WATER

A Cool Walk Into The Life Of Luxury

1. You Must NOT Have Not Water – Seems like a given, but you’d be surprised how often these things are overlooked. Here are a couple easy ways to get rid of this inconvenience:

a) Do NOT Sign A Lease – This is a legally binding contract which ensures that you are the legal occupant of a certain living space for a certain amount of time. Also, it is required to get hot water. DO NOT SIGN.

b) Find A Non-Responsive Landlord – This may sound inherently wrong. It is. But so is hot water. Do not, under any circumstances, move into a place with a landlord who responds to any of the following means of communication: email, phone, letters, more email, Facebook friend requests. Frequent communication with your landlord will only bring you closer to signing a lease and once the lease is signed, it’s really only a matter of time.

2. You Must  NOT Call Your Hot Water Company With All Required Information – If you’re tempted to add hot water back into your life, your Nicorette is calling the hot water company knowing that you do not have all required information. For example, last week my DNA sample hadn’t come back yet so I called and asked several questions regarding other ways to prove I’m a human. This conversation ended with me saying, ‘THANKS A LOT!’ I sounded angry, but really, I was relieved. Close call!

3. You Must NOT Send Your Information From A Fax Machine That Works – Sometimes calling and talking to the hot water guards can make you think, ‘I can do this! I can get hot water back again!’ But you can’t. It’s really not an option. So another way I avoid this temptation is by using a broken fax machine. It gets me up and away from my desk and also, it makes me look respectable to my coworkers. They think I’m trying to get hot water and they accept me as one of their own.

4. You Must NOT Make Friends With People Who Have Hot Water AND May Possibly Invite You To Their Home – This is just playing with fire. First, you’re having a couple beers, watching baseball. Next thing you know, you’re dealing with equilibrium again. Do NOT do it. A good way to avoid this is to frequent dive bars with free popcorn and to eat that free popcorn at such a furious pace – eating, refilling, eating, refilling – that you terrify all occupants. Conveniently, the lack of gas being distributed to your stove will help build the hunger needed for this tactic.

5. Should Your Boss Allow You To Stop By The Hot Water Place On The Way To Work, You Must Oversleep Your Alarm – This advice is only hypothetical as this is next on the to-do list. Update coming soon.

6. Should You Wake Up On Time, You Should Take So Much Time Doing Your Makeup And Analyzing Your ‘Friday Outfit’ That It’s No Longer Possible To Stop By Before Work – Also, hypothetical at this point. But several preventive measures are in place. For one, I have no jeans left in my closet. Now, I must choose between a dress that I’m not really sure I like and several shirts + no pants.

And that’s your guide. Please return for follow-up posts. As usual, I’d like to thank Google for confirming the definition of any large words found in this post. Additionally, I’d like to confirm that all instances of ‘that’ and ‘which’ have been switched on purpose.

*This may be along the same thought vein as thinking it’d be kinda funny to tell my future children that chairs are called ‘tables’ and tables are called ‘monkeys.’ Kindergarten is seriously way too easy. I’m here to help.