I turn into a 12-year-old punk when I travel for more than two hours.

Recent example:

“Mam, please turn off your iPod,” the flight attendant instructed.

“IT’S ON AIRPLANE MODE,” I responded, voice modulation skewed due to the surprisingly low prices at the airport bar and the inverse volume level required to do a Lady Gaga playlist justice.

“Anything with an on-off switch,” her counter-part clarified.

“How about your mic?” I murmured as she walked away.

Give me some Airwalks and we’re right back to 7^th grade social studies.

But attitude aside, this moment of air travel is especially inconvenient to me. I mean, if there is one time in the flight when I want to crank up ‘Fly Like An Eagle’ and not think about the plane exploding, it’s takeoff.

I don’t need the warm-up music when we get to 10k feet.  Air traffic blah blah. I need to pee. Remember, the beer?

Oh, but don’t worry Amy from flight 1350, that’s not my only travel gripe.

I have an issue with airport decoration too, because there’s one thing I need to know and it’s surprisingly difficult to figure out without the assistance of either my wrist or my cell phone: THE TIME.

“Planes don’t wait for people, mam,” I overheard this weekend.

That’s fine. So how about we forego the tacky city-oriented deco and put up a few more clocks? Oooo! Giant crabs with chef hats. I must be in Maryland!

Moving on. Taxis.

I don’t know what the qualification is to become a taxi driver, but knowing how to get from most point As to most point Bs must be extra credit.

I understand you can’t know every place in every city. That’d be nuts. I lived in South Florida for two years and there are still plenty of locations I don’t know how to get to. Hell, I still exit the subway and walk the wrong way 2/5 days per week. But when I did drive, you know what I owned? This technology that allows you to type in an address and it like magically tells you where it’s located and how to get there.

My Dallas cabbie was the first I’ve ever seen use one of these. He pulled it out after 10 minutes of ‘discussion’ in which I repeatedly explained that I didn’t know how to get to the bar and he continuously re-phrased the question in broken English.

I know. Some of this may be asking too much. These fine people got me from point A to point B and even let me stop at R,U,F and Z along the way this weekend. I’m not angry, I’m confused.

I don’t understand how clocks in airports and GPS in cabs get overlooked, but I sleep peacefully due to a recent life decision that will allow me to reinforce my views on these topics to uninvolved third parties.

You see, now that I’m a big New Yorker, I had to order some new checks with my new address on them, and to my delight, I was offered the opportunity to personalize them with one of three options.

First, ‘LIVIN’ LOUD.’ Oh, I was tempted. Who’s livin’ quiet? Why you lookin’ at me?

Next, ‘God Bless America.’ Simple, yet strong.

And finally, the winner, ‘Remember What’s Important.’ Coming soon to cab fares and extra baggage charges near you.