Don’t Let Your Employees Listen to that Jay-Z Song

I quit my job yesterday.

It’s both thrilling and nausea-inducing to quit your job with only a couple interviews and a terminated lease in your back pocket.

But after a few rounds of beers and 12 plays of “Free Falling,” a new sentiment swept over me: excitement.

Excitement for both future and present opportunities.

Sure, I’m pumped to finally do the big city deal and to kick the “snow is so pretty and fun to play with” fascination out of my head. But with just 11 days left in the office, I’m also excited for the present.

Because a past lunch convo with my cube mates has given me an idea.

The topic: strangest coworkers ever.

I spoke of an elderly woman who shaved her head Britney style and ate ice cream for lunch every day.

I also spoke of the roast email a former coworker sent out, not realizing his going away party was an hour later and that the space cadets and inept fax users would be able to overcome their intellectual detriments to attend.

Come on buddy, there was ice cream!

But ice cream aside, the inspiring moment was thanks to a strange woman a cube mate once worked with.

This woman decided to get married, leave the U.S., and in turn, just really not give a shit during her last two weeks.

She brought in a plant and started eating the leaves.

She left pieces of cheese in random file folders.

I like.

I like.

Tell me more.

I’m more of a carnivore and I happen to value the remaining slices of cheese in my refrigerator (grilled cheese, heard of it!?), but I do have a couple other ideas.

We have a long hallway and it makes me feel awkward. I’ve told you this before. But in addition to the conversation dilemma in this hallway, I also have trouble with the unwritten, must-smile-at-strangers-in-the-hallway rule.

I don’t like having my emotions hijacked by social norms.

I don’t know who you are. Why should I smile at you? And more, I’m not even smiling. My real smile is way better than this 1/16^th of a smile I’ve reserved for you, stranger. Actually, it looks more like someone just pricked my finger. Tears in the eyes of the clown. You get it.

So, not to be a prick, but if we’re giving it out for free, I’d rather give high fives.

I realize this social shift will need a time of transition (11 days?) and also a few verbal clues, such as:

“HI, I DON’T KNOW YOU, BUT I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HIGH FIVE ANYWAY. BECAUSE I’M A NICE PERSON!”

or

“HIGH FIVES ARE FREE. SMILES ARE NOT!”

I plan to roll this out in the office first and then, pending my employment status, I may continue the roll out at an in-between gig. I don’t have one of those yet, but I hear the youth summer camp I used to work at might have an opening.