Men are notorious for refusing to stop and ask for directions.
I’m guilty as well, but my catalyst is ignorance, not will.
You see, I DON’T KNOW THAT I’M LOST.
That said, let me tell you about my evening.
Disclaimer: If you pay me money to do things for you, please stop reading.
At 6:03 p.m., I entered the address for a local social media meetup and pressed “route.” Two hours later (and one hour after the meet–up start time), I arrived with frayed nerves, fresh finger nail paint and a story.
My M.O. for Getting Lost (because it happens so often)
Some people get angry the first time they get lost. Not me. I have a three-attempt policy.
Failed Attempt #1: “Hah, I’m so bad at driving. Let’s try again.”
Failed Attempt #2: “Hah, man. Fooled again! You tricky, tricky roads. I’m gonna get you this time.”
Failed Attempt #3: Let’s just say..
- There’s a lot of profanity
- Some internal disbelief that I’m able to dress myself and hold down a 9-5
- My ability to laugh is now lost along with my sense of direction
- Oh and everyone driving a car is now “an idiot”
- Also, internal threats to pull the car over begin
- And when I see a cop pull out behind me, I am filled with hope, not fear. Can you really put a price tag on good directions?
Tonight, as Failed Attempt #1 drifted into my rear view, I decided to proactively avoid future failures. Because I don’t try to fail.
“I know,” I thought. “I’ll just download a GPS app on this beast.”
Two minutes later I was $0.99 out and one step closer to dignity. For most people, the story would end here, but as your scroll bar foreshadows, mine does not.
6:28 p.m.
I punched in my destination and asked my new GPS app to navigate.
“Ooo. A yellow AND a blue line. Fun.” I thought. “I wonder which one I should follow? Oh well, they’re both going the same way.”
6:34 p.m.
“Hmm the yellow and the blue line are separating. Guess the blue one is the right one since it’s not doing anything and I don’t see the yellow line anymore. Cool. I feel like I’m going west still though? Oh well. Gooo GPS. You’re so smart.”
6:48 p.m.
“Okay, that was a sign for Kendall. EFF my life.”
For those of you who are not familiar with South Florida. Here is a little diagram to show exactly how lost I was.
How My GPS App is Like Mario Kart (and that’s not a good thing)
As I once again tried to follow the yellow line of truth, I realized that my GPS app was essentially like Mario Kart. Sounds fun, right? Well, maybe I haven’t told you this, but I SUCK AT MARIO KART.
But still, Mario Kart picks up the victory because unlike my GPS, IT TELLS ME WHEN I AM LOST. You know that little ghost who comes and picks you up and puts you back on track? I like him. And after tonight’s two hour journey, I’m certain that without him I’d still be sitting in front of a 1989 Panasonic with wood trim saying, “THIS is funnnnnnn!”
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
LOL.. I feel ya girl. I have a terrible sense of direction, and my night driving is horrider. Yes, that's a word tyvm. I feel certain that if I attempted to use a GPS system though, I'd end up 10 times loster than I planned. And yes that's a word too tyvm!
Thanks for the great post and making me laugh, keep it up!
C
Mario Kart had the best GPS of all, the Koopa Paratroopa who told you you were going the wrong way.
Amazing. You have nerves of steel. As soon as I realize I'm lost every other driver becomes a jerk, profanity ensues and all constructive thoughts fly out the window. I'm just a nut and I generally end up calling Greg and either breaking down and crying or yelling at other drivers in his ear so much he can't help me figure out how to get back on track. Good job at least still finding your destination, I would've gone home!
I would've definitely picked the yellow line.
Wizard of Oz tells us to follow yellow lines and goddamnit who am I to think otherwise?
bohzo (Hello)
I enjoyed reading your blog, you are very funny in your description, I gave up on GPs and went back to maps. The GPS on my kids maps are much more accurate, and I hate playing with them because I always lose, and I am a poor sport.
Bobewadmi
I love new words! This is like, the best day ever. Glad you enjoyed!
Infinite points for writing “Koopa Paratroopa” on my blog. I think I just found a name for the make believe puppy I don't own yet.
Oh both of those “backup plans” definitely went through my head, don't worry. It took me long enough to find 95 that by the time I was finally on it I was only a couple exits away though. Oh, and I got lost on the way to the meet up restaurant afterward, in one of Miami's fine, fine ghettos.
The yellow was so squiggly though. I now know it was telling me to do a u-turn and completely back track the last 18 minutes of my life.
Thanks for stopping by! Do your kids have any maps to spare?