STOP. Before reading, click here to enjoy today’s background music for your reading pleasure, “Too Many Walls” by Cathy Dennis. Listen until your head settles into a nice back-and-forth bop and then return to my post with the music still playing as a backdrop. It’s okay if you occasionally double-time your head bop. Just go with the flow, wherever it may take you. Unless it takes you to related YouTube videos. Then, the flow must die. I’m sorry I brought up “the flow.”
I publicly declared my love for John Cusack on December 12, 2009.
Sure. My decision to go public was driven by the recent fame of several really, really shitty videos on YouTube. But my heart has been his since that first night I watched Serendipity in my dorm room on a double date with a pack of Butter Lover’s popcorn and a 500-count box of Fruit Rollups.
I prayed that he would stop chasing stupid Sarah and start reading his fan mail. He didn’t.
But I kept the hope alive. He’s a busy man. Maybe if my volleyball team could win the national championship, he would notice the strikingly awkward middle hitter.
Year after year, we fell short.
My senior year was a close call. Sure, we would have been the first team to win just two games in the regular season and take home the national championship, but that is why they call it a dream.
And so, after years of repression, I finally set out on a new quest to lure Johnny C-Zak into my loving arms.
My weapons: Microsoft Paint, Microsoft Movie Maker, several stolen, poor resolution Internet pics, a Lady Gaga LP and my wild, wild imagination.
I expected a few giggles. Perhaps an invitation to appear on national television and talk about my many talents and conquests. But after a few days, it became painfully obvious that this just one more failed attempt.
And then, it happened.
My dreams. My hopes. They came true.
As I checked my traffic sources on Monday, December 29, 2009, I saw it.
“John Cusack romances”
I encourage you all to type this into Google, but I will let you know what to expect in your search results:
Result #1: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #2: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #3: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #4: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #5: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #6: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #7: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #8: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Result #9: WORKINONARAMP.COM
Result #10: Trifling bitch who don’t want no drama
Big deal, right? Well, if my love interest happened to be Tiger Woods, I would actually be doing better than the mother of his children. So stop right there.
I have a chance, but first, I have a dilemma.
I need to seal the deal and obviously, the Google search results for John Cusack’s love life are quite easy to manipulate. So my question, which term would provide me the best ROI for search marketing efforts?
“John Cusack falls in love with 24-year-old blogger”
“Blogger retires at age 25 as planned after John Cusack proposes on first date“
“John Cusack calls his love with Jenny ‘serendipitious,’ Jenny faints”
Ideas? Opinions?