In just four days the period of time reserved for love, peace, frantic gift wrapping and the occasional parking lot homicide will conclude with the celebration of Santa’s birth.
But fear not, yesterday while searching for returnable gifts in the $50 range for four deserving recipients, I had an epiphany.
Prior to this epiphany, I called my dad to see what my mom wants. I called my brother to see what my dad wants. I asked my mom what she thinks I should get my brother and his fiancé.
And as fun as this game of “who the hell knows” was, I’m certain that if each recipient was merely given $200 and told, “Go get what you want,” there would be no need for gift receipts or the, “Thanks. [Silence and awkward smile] It’s just what I wanted,” responses that will be exchanged just outside of Kodak’s deceiving Christmas morning depiction.
We all know it happens so why not avoid it? Here’s what I propose.
The 2011 Christmas Present Treaty
We all have inner Christmas circles.
Sure, the unwed occasionally introduce or ban members from this inner circle, but the list is semi-permanent by Thanksgiving dinner. My proposition: At Thanksgiving dinner, each member of the inner circle divides the his Christmas budget by the sum of inner circle members (minus one) and makes a run to the ATM. As cars are packed and goodbyes are uttered, each member divvies out their “gifts.” Rather than running around like idiots from November 28 through December 24, everyone just purchases the items that others would have been expected to pull out of their ass from a conversation three months prior.
Goodbye gift receipts.
Goodbye painfully awkward acting.
Goodbye lies that awful presents are “Awesome! But a little too small” and thus, have to be donated to goodwill.
Sure, when we were children, the surprise of Christmas morning was enchanting. But in reality, very few presents were a surprise at all. Our parents knew what we wanted, how badly we wanted, and exactly how many of our friends already had it. They knew this because were our own Christmas PR agents.
Letters to Santa.
Ripped pages with circled desires from the Toys ‘R’ Us magazine.
Now that we’re mature adults, this is not acceptable behavior. Wants are hinted at. Not yelled. And thus, misconceptions of “good gift ideas” versus “shitty gift ideas” run rampant.
It’s too late to fix the leak this year, so let’s call a pain in the ass a pain in the ass and stop the drip for 2011.
Who’s in? Mom? Dad? Kev? Jenn?
Sweet.
I'm in. we can just exchange 24 racks of PBR and get shitty together.
Good idea. I think they only come in 12 and 30 packs. But I'm sure one of us can figure out that math.
Wait, where do you find 30 racks in florida??
My family has just said fuckit? We have. We don't buy for each other, and spend 20 or less on the grandkids. It's easy.
I'm writing this comment, right, and I my cat takes a shit right.in.front.of.me. D:
This is a great idea. I actually asked my family to give me cash… specifically singles.
Because strippers always expect a tip when they have to get you change.
I stand corrected. We would have to go up north for 30 packs.
a) that makes complete sense b) HAHAHHAHAH. I hate cats, but that's amazing.
You should throw them at your life size cutout of John Cusack, not dirty, dirty strippers.