I watch my figure. I’m 24 and my schedule is littered with weekends spent in altered dresses taking pictures that will last a lifetime on my friends’ walls.
So with a pending commitment to a size 6 dress this weekend, I decided to dine with Jared instead of Ronald last Thursday.
But when I pulled into that desolate parking lot, I was unaware that in addition to a cheap meal, I’d also get the idea for a new product offering.
As I repeated my order and tried to explain, “No, no toast. Do not toast my glob of mayo that you call tuna. That is disgusting,” to the woman behind the counter, I overheard one of my favorite radio personalities, Delilah, giving advice to some lonely male lover.
His heart was broken and he just couldn’t get over it. So, rather than go out with the boys and have a few brews, he called a stranger with a soothing voice who broadcasts to millions.
“I just want to know *awkward pause* when I won’t feel this pain anymore?” He asked.
“That’s something only God can answer.” Delilah replied. “Let me play a little song for you.”
And Jared’s Diner filled with one of the forgotten “I just got dumped and I’m going to sit on my couch and cry by myself while blaring bad music” songs, “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
As I listened to the lyrics and tried not to fall to my knees in instantaneous sobs, a few groundbreaking thoughts flickered through my brain:
1. That was the worst relationship advice I have ever heard.
2. Can I use the God card at my job too?
3. That woman gets paid. Real money. I should too.
That said, let me introduce a new product for your buying consideration:
You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser
How to Use:
1. Send Jenny $27 via PayPal
2. Print “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser”
3. Post on nearby wall
4. Gaze at “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser”
5. Tell stories of heartbreak while listening to “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
6. Call local Wal-Mart. Tell them they should offer “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser” in casket section.
7. Come drink memosas with Jenny. We’re rich!!
What do you think? Let me know how it works out for you.