I watch my figure. I’m 24 and my schedule is littered with weekends spent in altered dresses taking pictures that will last a lifetime on my friends’ walls.
So with a pending commitment to a size 6 dress this weekend, I decided to dine with Jared instead of Ronald last Thursday.
But when I pulled into that desolate parking lot, I was unaware that in addition to a cheap meal, I’d also get the idea for a new product offering.
As I repeated my order and tried to explain, “No, no toast. Do not toast my glob of mayo that you call tuna. That is disgusting,” to the woman behind the counter, I overheard one of my favorite radio personalities, Delilah, giving advice to some lonely male lover.
His heart was broken and he just couldn’t get over it. So, rather than go out with the boys and have a few brews, he called a stranger with a soothing voice who broadcasts to millions.
“I just want to know *awkward pause* when I won’t feel this pain anymore?” He asked.
“That’s something only God can answer.” Delilah replied. “Let me play a little song for you.”
And Jared’s Diner filled with one of the forgotten “I just got dumped and I’m going to sit on my couch and cry by myself while blaring bad music” songs, “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
As I listened to the lyrics and tried not to fall to my knees in instantaneous sobs, a few groundbreaking thoughts flickered through my brain:
1. That was the worst relationship advice I have ever heard.
2. Can I use the God card at my job too?
3. That woman gets paid. Real money. I should too.
That said, let me introduce a new product for your buying consideration:
You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser
How to Use:
1. Send Jenny $27 via PayPal
2. Print “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser”
3. Post on nearby wall
4. Gaze at “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser”
5. Tell stories of heartbreak while listening to “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
6. Call local Wal-Mart. Tell them they should offer “You Suck at Life Relationship Adviser” in casket section.
7. Come drink memosas with Jenny. We’re rich!!
What do you think? Let me know how it works out for you.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
What kind of guy calls her? Seriously, I’m all for sensitivity during break ups, but who really calls that lady? I thought only girls believed in Delilah.
Delilah is like Santa Clause to men.
Rich.. you don’t have to act all tough. The truth eventually finds its way to the light..
If I were a guy, I’d call that lonely heart bitch every single time I got dumped…which would be often because I have a feeling I’d be a douchebag if I were a guy.
Delilah is one of those things that really pisses me off actually. But I’m jealous at the same time. I would love nothing more than to host a radio program every night. But, I would shoot myself if I had to play Wind Beneath My Wings every other day as a career.
And it’s my opinion that absolutely ZERO straight men listen to her show given a choice. And it happens all the time in radio, the guys are plants, put in there by the show to make the sad ladies feel like there are guys out there feeling the pain like they do. When in reality if a guy is broken up about a girl he loves he’s doing one of 3 things. Drinking heavily, banging another girl, or trying to get her back.
1. That’s a t-shirt. WTF do you need photoshop for?
2. 50% of pictures will grace walls for 4-7 years, tops, so don’t worry too much…that being said, Jarred was NOT eating mayonaise sandwiches. I’m not judging, really. I’ve got a body by chocolate and it is delicious.
3. Your Walmarts have caskets? REALLY? You Americans are so foreign. And frightening.
also @Ken. Your break up prescription is UNIVERSAL, man.
Hah! Good idea Kelly. I downloaded Paint.net instead since my Photoshop download told me to contact customer support. Hmmm. What could possibly be wrong? The fact that I’ve had 10 free trials already? The 11th is the motivator to buy, I swear!
@Ken, I hear ya. I’ll do a radio show with you. But sometimes I go into quiet, thinking mode. That might be awkward for everyone involved.
@ DubiousMa, I think I’d be a douchebag too. It just sounds so fun.