Best Idea Ever, Episode #7,893

I have a new idea.

And with it, I plan to promote quicker checkouts, increased frugality and widespread chaos/economic ruin.

My idea: “Eating Competition” meets “Beat the Receipt”

No need to define “Eating Competition.”

I’m sure you’ve seen people shovel unsafe amounts of hot dogs, pies and pizza down their throats for potential monetary gain.

And a fortunate few have even wasted 60 minutes to view the True Life chronicling this exhibition of gluttony.

But anyway.

Here’s a “Beat the Receipt” synopsis in more than 140 characters:

After 18 years of begging to bag groceries for free each week, I took a 3-month position at Publix to fulfill this dream.

One of those great summer jobs that makes you long for 8 a.m. classes and group projects.

Week 1: Best job ever!! Publix has great benefits if you work up the ladder..

Week 2: Excessive, mandatory bagging = not that fun. People who like paper bags = evil.

Week 3: No longer amused by making sarcastic jests about purchases of weird food combinations.

Week 4: Bored.

So to fill my void of personal amusement and still make $5.25 of beer money per hour, I challenged the cashier to a duel.

If I bagged all groceries before she completed the transaction, I won.*

This game satiated my attention span for almost two full work days before I was called aside by the manager. Apparently my commitment to the game was causing some breads and other valuables to lose their original form.

“Eating Competition” + “Beat the Receipt” = Beautiful Synergy of Gluttony, Chaos & Frugality

You may already be able to see the outline of this beautiful synergy.

These two world-class competitions combined to form one blog-post-inspiring thought after I was able to finish a bag of chips before exchanging currency. Twice in one weekend.

And each time, as I chomped into each crunchy, 0-trans fat chip/5,000 calorie chip, I realized that I would soon be paying for an empty bag of chips.

I thought about getting all Matrix with the cashier.

“Did you personally see any chips in this bag?” – I would ask.

“Well no, but it’s a bag of..”

“NO. Did you see the chips or didn’t you? How do you know they existed?!” – I would demand.

So my recommendation for establishments that sell food/alcohol: If you can consume it before your payment is processed, it’s free.

Seriously, think of how much fun this could be.

They could even set aside separate lanes in stores where this competition is allowed.

*Thanks to all you check writers. You dinosaurs helped me ensure some easy victories with your ancient payment method.***

** I just included myself in the “too mature for this idea” category. And I’m totally not.
***Mom and dad, you are allowed to continue to write checks. I appreciate them greatly.