I used to get really irritated when grocery shoppers would obstruct my path to nose bleed parking, forcing me to spectate their quest to secure a 1st or 2nd place parking lot finish.
When the contestant was really old, I would think:
“JUST PARK! YOU DON’T HAVE TIIIIIIME!”*
Yes, I used to think cynical thoughts for my own amusement while I watched my own life clock tick away at the mercy of unofficial parking lot competitions.
And yes, my thoughts would become more cynical as I watched the previous winner give up the throne.
You see, parking lot champions have a knack for extending their victory lap.
Examples of victory lap extensions include, but are not limited to:
- Cell phone conversations that must be completed before groceries can be unloaded (most times, utilizing Bluetooth technology, a.k.a. the most annoying technology in the world)
- Conversations with anyone close enough to listen (can’t.. give.. up.. the.. victory.. just.. yet)
- Cart return runs to the station, usually located near my future nosebleed parking spot (bleed irony, bleed)
So yes, typical symptoms of annoyance would hold my body captive as I watched the changing of the guard.
But recently, I had an epiphany.
These people are not lazy. They are geniuses.
They are not wasting my time in vain.
No. These people are actually winning prizes!
For serious.
I mean, I have not seen an award ceremony yet. But believe me, it’s on my radar.
And it’s blipping away.
So to fulfill a social fantasy, I’m going to figure out exactly what these people are winning.
I don’t really want to win the prizes.
Because it’s still a little-known fact that there are actually prizes for the winners of these parking spaces. In every parking lot. Around the world.
So I may be seen in the same light I previously shone on the aforementioned competitors. And I really can’t handle that.
Instead of competing, I would like to award the prizes.
Ribbons. Bright blue. Or maybe trophies!
And if I can’t get in touch with the competition committee, I’m going to just call up the local shop that makes this junk and have some done up right quick.
I really can’t wait.
Maybe I’ll see you soon.
But only if you’re in the 1st or 2nd place spot. There is no 3rd place and definitely no honorable mention.
So get your 3-5 mph driving skills prepped. This is the real deal.
*Hell points, I know. But you probably chuckled, giving credit to my prediction that hell will be standing room only anyway.