Don't let Wendy, or Graphic Designers named Rick, Ruin Your Dreams

I’ve been on a health kick for a few weeks now. You know the routine: bird-like eating, regular exercise.

For the first couple weeks, I satisfied my mid-day hunger pains with half of a Publix sub. A delicious choice and I thought it was pretty healthy, mainly because it was not pizza.

Until our graphic designer – who currently indulges in 3-bite, sodium-infested, frozen meals during his lunch hour – wrecked my little paradigm o’ health by notifying me that the bread was very fatty and full of carbs.

“Damn!” – I typed in response.

So I finished the week with my fatty, carb-overloaded Publix subs. I even switched to white instead of wheat, because really, what the hell did it matter? Fat bread is fat bread so I may as well enjoy it a little more.

“Sure, mayo on both sides.”

But the following Monday, after a weekend of pizza and beer, I entered my lunch hour motivated – with a plan.

Rather than a fatty sub, I would get a healthy salad from Wendy’s.

The chicken BLT salad was cheap, delicious and healthy.

Victory was mine.

And so I ensued with my plan.

Healthy cereal with lowfat milk for breakfast. Sliced apple snack. Chicken BLT salad with a diet Coke (or Pepsi) at noon. Lean burger patty with sliced tomato for dinner.

All I needed was a fake tan and I’d be ready for the clubs. Or the dive bar.

After a full week of enacting my plan, I was almost smug. In addition to my chicken BLT salad each day, I also picked up a chicken sandwich combo for a coworker. To curb my desire to eat his meal on the way out of the parking lot, I’d let myself enjoy 2 fries per day.

I was right on track, until this afternoon.

As I slid my safe, plastic fork out of its neat, plastic wrapper and pondered whether to add a dash of salt and pepper to my lightly dressed greens, another coworker asked, “Hey, so is that salad actually healthy?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is. I mean it doesn’t have many carbs,” I replied.

“Does it have croutons?” She inquired.

“Yes, but I only put like 3 on and throw the rest out.”

And so I tossed the remaining 20 croutons into my trash can and slid my safe, plastic knife out of it’s neat, plastic wrapper. And as I sliced my chicken into neatly, edible squares and rectangles, I received an instant message that would change my life (as it relates to eating healthy during lunch).

Rick, our graphic designer, had not been nearly as complacent and trusting of the healthiness of my tasty, fast-food establishment-produced salad. Probably because he was still starving after eating his 3-bite, nuked delight of an entree.

And so I clicked on the image he sent me, unaware of the truth that was just seconds away.



I was speechless.

Partly due to disbelief. Partly due to the gigantic bite of fried chicken and romaine lettuce I had just stuffed into my mouth.

“790 calories?!?”

“$%(*@”

“How the @(*$” – I said.

“So I could have been enjoying the same meal as Jose?” – I begged.

Less than a minute later, I was faced with the insult to my caloric injury.



And so now, it is with deep regret that I announce my decision to rejoin the microwaving, calorie counters tomorrow in the break room.

I can hardly wait for 350 calories of high sodium, over-seasoned deliciousness. Mainly because I ate a head of lettuce for dinner. But I digress.