I’ve made it to open mic #19. Things are getting less weird, so that’s something, right?
Here are some of the things I’m working on:
‘Of Mice And Men’ And Me
‘Of Mice And Men’ serves as a nice parallel for the four chaotic years I spent on the dating scene. You see, there’s Jenny, who’s awesome at dating because she really doesn’t care about the outcome, and then there’s Lenny, who likes to kill any opportunity for a relationship.
Here’s an example:
Jenny would drink five IPAs before speed dating.
Lenny likes to send “Happy Monday! 
” text messages.
Darwin Awards Resume
This may sound conceited, but I’ve started working on my resume for the Darwin Awards.
Here are a couple of my qualifications:
1989 – 1990: As a four-year-old, I occasionally enjoyed eating sand. By myself. It tasted like salt. Try it. The real takeaway here though, is that nothing is weird when you’re by yourself.
1990 – 2006: During this 16-year gap of time, I thought that the vending machine said “END,” not “vEND.” It’s tricky. Why just one lowercase letter? Anyway, I thought I was getting the last one. Every single time. I was really lucky is what I’m trying to say.
Dog Shit Analytics
As many of you know, I have a blog, DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com, that captures the fun of NYC dogs shitting on sidewalks. It’s funny when you’re from a place where dogs don’t do that. Anyway, you could say the blog never really picked up. I get less than 20 visits per day. But low traffic has never stopped me from obsessing over site analytics. One particular item stood out the last time I checked these stats, though. I noticed I was getting organic traffic for the Google search for “dog shit.” This made me very excited, because as a former SEO nerd, I know that very few people make it past the first page of Google search results.
“Holy shit! I’m ranking for ‘dog shit’! That’s great!” I thought.
And then I did a search for the phrase.
Not on page one.
Not on page two.
Not on page 20.
Halfway through page two the results get into some pretty disgusting things. So that’s that company I’ve attracted to my site.
My First Children’s Book
I started writing a children’s book called, “Bipolar Penguin” over the weekend.
I was at my local bar, getting ready to go out, when I wrote the first line:
Bipolar penguin is sad, but bipolar penguin should be sad because he walks stupid.
Writing this line was especially fun because I wrote it right as the bar started blasting “Have A Little Faith In Me.”
That’s all I’ve got for now. Open mic #20, coming up.
