Social Network Election Survival Plan

It’s that time, the time that comes but once every four years. It’s time for my Facebook acquaintances to get political.

Here’s a basic overview:

During the last round, I quietly defriended the loud few.

This round, though, I’m taking a slightly more enjoyable route, and one that I’ve considered using on other occasions. This time, it just feels right.

Introducing, The lol Bomb.

First, you make some insane political commentary. Next, I try to remember the circumstance that led to our being connected on the internet. Oh, right, you went on three dates with my college roommate. Then, and this part is crucial, I leave an “lol” on the comment stream. And finally, I defriend.

That’s it, folks. That’s my plan for social network survival this year.


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A Letter To Cucumbers

Cucumbers, I’ll never look at you the same way again.

To think, you’ve been up to this all along.

Running around, getting pickled.

Oh, everyone else knew?

Sure they did. I believe you.

And yet, no one thought to tell me. So tell me, where did they hear about this?

Fruit Digest?

When did they hear about this? First grade? No? Third? Fine.

You know, chickpeas were a surprise, but not a shock. I always kinda knew they had a side gig.

But cucumbers, you’re good.

All this time with me eating the pickles, yet skipping the cucumbers. I was a victim of your charade.

First you’re next to squash, then you’re in a jar?!

A jar?!

Well, what next?

Are any of your friends in on this? Are olives actually apples that have been floating around in some silly concoction?

Or is it all part of an even more elaborate trick?

I know there are pickle trees, and trust me, I’ve got time to find them.


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New Blog: “I Dressed Myself Today”

Prepare yourself. I have created (another) new blog.

This makes number 18 on the Tumblr side.

I will not be held accountable for the actions I take when given no restrictions.

Tumblr keeps saying, “Want to start a new blog?”

And I do. So I keep starting them. And maybe the majority live a quiet, unfulfilled existence, devoid of their promised fame.

“YOU are different. YOU are not like my other blogs. I will not forget about YOU. YOU, are my ticket.”

This one is different.

Check it out and watch for more daily insights on my new-found interest in fashion: http://IDressedMyselfToday.Tumblr.com


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Open Mic #19 (Or, I Didn’t Feel Like Coming Up With A Real Post Title)

I’ve made it to open mic #19. Things are getting less weird, so that’s something, right?

Here are some of the things I’m working on:

‘Of Mice And Men’ And Me

‘Of Mice And Men’ serves as a nice parallel for the four chaotic years I spent on the dating scene. You see, there’s Jenny, who’s awesome at dating because she really doesn’t care about the outcome, and then there’s Lenny, who likes to kill any opportunity for a relationship.

Here’s an example:

Jenny would drink five IPAs before speed dating.

Lenny likes to send “Happy Monday! :) ” text messages.

Darwin Awards Resume

This may sound conceited, but I’ve started working on my resume for the Darwin Awards.

Here are a couple of my qualifications:

1989 – 1990: As a four-year-old, I occasionally enjoyed eating sand. By myself. It tasted like salt. Try it. The real takeaway here though, is that nothing is weird when you’re by yourself.

1990 – 2006: During this 16-year gap of time, I thought that the vending machine said “END,” not “vEND.” It’s tricky. Why just one lowercase letter? Anyway, I thought I was getting the last one. Every single time. I was really lucky is what I’m trying to say.

Dog Shit Analytics

As many of you know, I have a blog, DogsShittingOnSidewalks.com, that captures the fun of NYC dogs shitting on sidewalks. It’s funny when you’re from a place where dogs don’t do that. Anyway, you could say the blog never really picked up. I get less than 20 visits per day. But low traffic has never stopped me from obsessing over site analytics. One particular item stood out the last time I checked these stats, though. I noticed I was getting organic traffic for the Google search for “dog shit.” This made me very excited, because as a former SEO nerd, I know that very few people make it past the first page of Google search results.

“Holy shit! I’m ranking for ‘dog shit’! That’s great!” I thought.

And then I did a search for the phrase.

Not on page one.

Not on page two.

Not on page 20.

Halfway through page two the results get into some pretty disgusting things. So that’s that company I’ve attracted to my site.

My First Children’s Book

I started writing a children’s book called, “Bipolar Penguin” over the weekend.

I was at my local bar, getting ready to go out, when I wrote the first line:

Bipolar penguin is sad, but bipolar penguin should be sad because he walks stupid.

Writing this line was especially fun because I wrote it right as the bar started blasting “Have A Little Faith In Me.”

 

That’s all I’ve got for now. Open mic #20, coming up.


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NYC Halloween 2011: The Sexy Pig

It’s normal to already have a costume in mind for 2012, right?

Well, regardless, here are a couple pics of this year’s fun: the sexy pig.

It was meant to poke fun at the female tradition of using Halloween as an excuse to wear lingerie in public. The humor seemed to only hit with people who already share this view, as evidenced by the dialogue below.

“What are you? - girl

“I’m a sexy pig.” - me

“Ohhhhh! Everyone just thinks you’re in a robe with underwear over it [giggle, giggle].” – girl


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